NO SHOULDER PAT

I am not heartless
but something happens to you when you love a thing so much
a little rotten by the sides, a little muzzled in the top, a little scratched in the backs
make up on my pains everyday
until i forget them
shade the past with leaves of autumn past
stupid past
stupid detectives of thrillers and cultural mass
let the criminal breath at least
he only takes for he has lost
the tragic loss
of a beast’s heart

I shared nine lives with you, only one survived.

my father comes in the room
braving his shadow at noon
slaying some lies with his broom
telling me to rise, clean the dust out of my shoes
No use to be gloom, boy
There will be others, you’ll see how soon

Raving my elbows
Checking my spasm
Hearing the song
I heard dead last March
the bells are ringing
The sheets are white
Here comes the bride
She holds her smile tight
She knows future keeps sadness in closets for surprise

Nervous as I am, unforgiving as I am, unbearably honest as I am
I tell her my truths
She hates the poor actor that I am
You could’ve put up a show
You could’ve let the lights glow
Oh, what a tragic demise
Knowing what I know
Too huge a paper
To sign at the bottom left
Us. A failure.

Give me my burrows back
Give me back my smokes and fogs and landscapes of the west
Those were my dreams you shattered on the floor
Those were my dreams you sheared you foot on
Those were my dreams you whipped clean the beauty off

No embroidered cloths. No gold. No silver. No lights.
Only glass.

Ridiculous I was to love you most
And in the stillness of your laugh
Suffer still
Suffer silence
Suffer regret.

I shared nine lives with you, lost at the count of why.

Here comes mom, telling she was right again
Right even before men knowing what rightness was then
Telling life gives no shoulder pat
You need to be erect
Raise your chin, give memory no respect
You could be king, a prince adviser at best
But please, be aware you are wearing the fool’s hat.

So said the sign that mom read.
The road was dark and bawdy
We heard the night sing
Squalor squalor squalor.

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